I didn't mind the smell of formaldehyde on our first date or the moment when a glass eyeball fell out onto her plate or when I drove her home, and she said what turned her on was picking up roadkill from the interstate She told me her dream man was teddy roosevelt She ran her hands across my leather belt My baby's into taxidermy It doesn't seem to concern me out of all the zoological hobbies in the world, my girl she's into taxidermy She took me up to her lovin' bed Showed me her diorama of animal heads I asked if it'd be alright if I turned out the lights She said let 'em watch - they're already dead She told me her dream about teddy roosevelt She began to undo my leather belt She told me to call her teddy roosevelt She said to lie down on the tiger pelt My baby's into taxidermy It doesn't seem to concern me out of all the zoological hobbies in the world, my girl she's into taxidermy

you say I put the hamster in the microwave on purpose I think you flushed all my tropical fish you assume that I'm the one who threw up on your carpet but I know you broke my favorite dish you'll arm some atomic warheads while I put on my rubber suit and Japanese people will scream with their mouths out of sync while you and I duke it out on mt. fuji they're making popcorn and selling front row seats because you and I must look like a monster movie six months ago I signed us up for couples yoga you got the refund, never paid me back you say I vacuumed up all your star wars legos because you broke my DVD, season one of samurai jack I'll amass my team of scientists while you scale the empire state buidling and Japanese people will scream with their mouths out of sync while you and I duke it out on mt. fuji they're making popcorn and selling front row seats because you and I must look like a monster movie you'll amass your team of scientists while I put on my rubber suit and aliens from Venus will turn me into a giant robot while the coast guard tracks you on radar clicks fat guys at comic con are selling figurines of us because you and I must look like a monster flick and japanese people will scream with their mouths out of sync while you and I duke it out on mt. fuji they're making popcorn and selling front row seats because you and I must look like a monster movie

I hope you had fun on the bus I hope you made lots of friends this is gonna be the best two weeks of your entire summer so enjoy it before it ends I know we promised we'd be bunkmates we've talked about it since we were small but if you're looking around for me, I guess you didn't hear that i didn't get into spacecamp this year maybe I was just unlucky maybe I just didn't try maybe the universe is trying to tell me something maybe I'm just having one of those times What's it like in zero gravity? Do they feed you freeze dried meals? Have you fallen in love with a space camp girl? can you tell me how it feels? Have you seen the lunar lander? Have you met mission control? Is it true that earth is blue from out in space? did it shake you to your soul? Don't you worry about me here summer school is kind of fun I told my study partner I'd help her with her french so I guess I gotta run maybe I was just unlucky maybe I just didn't try maybe the universe is trying to tell me something maybe I'm just having one of those times

When I had a zombie friend he'd come over and we'd pretend that my brain was chicken soup he'd eat the whole thing scoop by scoop my girlfriend is a vampire she's got sharp teeth so please don't offer garlic to her I bite her, she bites me we bite each other so tenderly you're my friend, you're just like me you've got a boring job and you live down the street. we hang out like two regular guys but then again, maybe you're a spy

new years is gone and I'm still thinking about the things we said when your sleigh was on my roof and you were in my bed you said I'd been a good boy and you sat me on your lap you asked me if I'd like to take a long winter's nap santa, I guess I got swept off my feet your hands were frozen but your beard was sticky sweet you left me milk and cookies on the table in the den now I'm waiting for December to bring you back again "naughty little scorpio" you called me with a kiss you put back on your mittens and you crossed me off your list I helped you with your big black boots and heard you say goodbye now I lay awake again and you're the reason why santa, I guess I got swept off my feet your hands were frozen but your beard was sticky sweet I see you only once a year with so long in between so I deck my halls up just in case and keep my chimney clean Shiny plastic reindeer on the fourth of july and every day the H.O.A. demands that I comply I made a model of my house in gingerbread today with a tiny chocolate santa claus who never flies away Santa, I guess I got swept off my feet your hands were frozen but your beard was sticky sweet I wrote you a letter and I wonder if an elf screens your mail or do you really read it all yourself? santa, I guess I got swept off my feet your hands were frozen but your beard was sticky sweet you left me milk and cookies on the table in the den now I'm waiting for December to bring you back again

They call me dr.prankenstein cuz my pranks are insane I'm always pulling a leg, I'm always yanking a chain I'm always putting fake vomit onto people's chairs always putting fake spiders into people's hair always putting people's hairs into other people's food booty calling my girl and be like, "I'm not in the mood" see me down at the club, hitting on the fly honeys get their digits, call 'em up, say "your refrigerator running?" they call me dr.prankenstein cuz I keep 'em in stitches I got those booger flavored jelly beans but I act like they're delicious anything you can imaginate I got ersatz; I got the fake arrow like I've just been shot and the fake diarrhea like I got the trots and a film reviews blog that's riddled with fake plots now you're fronting like you don't trust me and I don't blame ya every day is april fool's day in pranksylvania I'm in my pranks laboratory and I'm screaming "It's alive!" whoopie cushions heralding the moment I arrive telling you it's 4:00 when it's 3:55, telling you I'm belly flopping when I know that I'ma dive say it's onions that I'm chopping when it's actually chives set you up and leave you hanging every single high-five I'm dr.prankenstein and I'm building a hoax to pull the wool over on the good working folks I'm dr.prankenstein and I'm creating a goof to blow a hole in your thatched cottage peasant roof dipping hands in warm water every slumber event set every monitor zoom to four hundred percent put plastic wrap over your toilet bowl and lick all the glaze off your cinnamon roll It's pranksgiving now time to say grace before I throw this apple pie in your face before I put on my poker face and tell you as you trip I didn't know about your shoe lace sip your drink and it seems kinda queer find out somebody put a pickle in your beer but it couldn't have been me, I'm over here and oh hello - looks like somebody put your wallet in the jell-o was it me who put the rocks in the gravy? who put the skunk in your mercedes? who never even had it tested for rabies? in the hospital nursery, switching all the babies? see me in the corner with my groucho glasses, pull on my finger to release the gasses my only chains are the ones that I'm yanking the only girls I fool around with are the ones that I'm pranking I'm dr.prankenstein I'm the best in the land I got the joy buzzer when I'm shaking your hand I got the faux jar of nuts when you want a snack I got the 'kick me' sign taped onto your back I'm dr.prankenstein but the ladies call me victor at least, your mamma did when I tricked her my pranks are a nine on the richter I do the bunny ears in every family picture now I'm pranking circles around you, you don't know which way's up I put an extra sugar in your coffee cup you wanted gelato, I brought you sorbet you wanted MC Lyte I played Roxanne Shante you wanted plastic, I gave you paper you wanted muppets in space I played the great muppet caper who replaced all your oranges with clementines? mother fucker dr. prankenstein